We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
