i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
