I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
