You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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