Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
