took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
