I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
