i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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