all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
