Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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