What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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