She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize