Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize