dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
