He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
