I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
