The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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