Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
