I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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