My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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