if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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