Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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