I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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