my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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