i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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