this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
