what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
