I can text with my tongue
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize