That's when you crack a 10am beer
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
