i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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