I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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