We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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