if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
