hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
