Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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