if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
