Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
