i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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