just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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