Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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