My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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