I can tuck mytits in my pants
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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