im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
