It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
