I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
