I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
