right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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