I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
