Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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