hotel room ftw
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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