She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
