i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
