You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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