When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
