is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
