That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
